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Comedy Central
Oct 31, 2012 11:00pm PDT
and dead people without machetes. (laughter). >> jon: al, we're going to go up town to john oliver. john, what's it like up there? (laughter) >> it's a total hell scape up here. for starters-- and i don't want to cause a panic-- serendipity has run out of mocha sprinkles. (laughter) which begs the question, john, where the (bleep) is fema when you need them? (laughter) i will say, though, i don't know if you're tried serendipity's he can of a job brownie but it is to die for. >> jon: jessica, is that you? >> yeah! >> jon: are those rats on your jacket? >> yeah, you buying? free range. fresh. (laughter) very fresh. >> jon: jessica, is everything okay? >> i knew i should have moved to the upper west side but, no, lower east side is where it's at. lower east side is cool. they have indian food! >> jess, jessica, please understand that life up here is no picnic. we're barely making do. (laughter) my book of mormon seats tonight? obstructed view. (laughter) >> all i've had to drink today is urine. (laughter). >> jon: your own urine, i hope, al, is that -- >> no! everyone's. because this is a
Comedy Central
Nov 6, 2012 2:00pm PST
phase so we turn to john oliver and aasif mandvi, they've been following the two campaigns. time for the end game. gentlemen, how are you? (cheers and applause) you two have been on the bus with both campaigns. these campaigns are finally making their closing statements of this election. john oliver, let's start with you. what is obama campaign's closing speech and pitch to the american people? >> simply this, john. the obama camp feels the choice is simple. maybe obama hasn't been the president you wanted him to be. perhaps he didn't meet the high expectations he set himself. but the other guy, jon, is a total dick! (cheers and applause) i mean that. jon, he's a six-foot shaft with tiny ballses for feet. he may not fire you himself but you know that when he's looking at you he's unemploying you with his eyes. (cheers and applause) now, if you will excuse me, jon, i'm going to stare at aasif while he's talking, thereby dominating him visually. (laughter). >> jon: well, all right, seems like a relatively low-brow closing argument from the obama campaign. aasif, you've been with th
Comedy Central
Nov 6, 2012 1:00pm PST
action? john oliver joins us. john? [cheering and applause] >> hi, jon. last night i assembled my own panel of experts the watch the debate, a body language analyst, a pageant judge, an expert on auras, a man who works at a tie store, a yenta, a woman who doesn't speak english, someone who recently had knee surgery and an easily bored teenage girl. >> jon: that seems like a ridiculous group of people to put together to analyze the debate. >> that's because it was, jon, so to give their expert analysis, i give to owe the john oliver focus group. i'm here with a diverse panel of experts to gauge in real-time their reactions to this debate. let the debate commence. >> welcome. president barack obama and governor mitt romney. >> okay. so let's stop it right there. who do we think is winning so far? >> obama. >> obama. >> pageant judge? >> right away obama came up with a hi, hello, the hand up high with a big smile. >> aura expert? >> just you could feel from his various body language. >> so far it's equal. >> they both walked on to the middle of the stage and shook hands and literally not
Comedy Central
Nov 6, 2012 11:00pm PST
've got an awful lot. we'll check back in with john oliver. the combination of a decades long battle between governor mitt romney of massachusetts and current president barack obama saying from m nairobi. jessica, we'll start with you default scribe the mood that obama had described in chicago. >> it's intense, jon, everyone is glued to their computers and smart phones. >> jon: checking the polling. >> no, they're second out fund raising e-mails. jon, they're down to the wire and this campaign is saying cannot make it through in the next two hours unless everybody in this country chips in $8. >> jon: it's 11:00 p.m. on election night. >> wait a minute, i'm sorry, it's $12. apparently this costs more than they anticipated. they ordered smacks for like 10,000 people but it looks like, hold on. $15. apparently biden ordered hot wings. >> jon: really. read the elf mails. > -- e-mails.>> sure. hey girls it's joe biden. can i borrow $15 you know for some hot wings. pretty standard biden form letter. >> jon: is the romney campaign still making a push for fund raising. >> yes, jon romney
Comedy Central
Nov 8, 2012 11:00pm PST
on the ramification for election night we turn to john oliver. >> thank you, jon, thank you. (cheers and applause) >> i think everyone watching tuesday night can agree on one thing, the president [bleep] up, jon. i mean he [bleep] up. (laughter) >> jon: that's your-- what are you telling, he was re-elected. >> exactly. you think he was expecting that? of course not. 16 trillion dollars in debt. 7.9% unemployment, i'm sure he wanted no part of that [bleep] pie. in fact, i'm even more sure that obama was looking forward to watching president romney having to choke it down for him. >> jon: you're telling me obama was planning to lose to romney. >> i don't know about planning to lose but he was sure as hell trying to, two words, jon, first debate. two more, in denver. they provide some contest to the first two words. >> jon: you are saying obama took a dive. >> of course he took a dive, of course he did. >> jon: in denver he took a dive you're saying he took a dive. >> exactly we said it four times together. the point is obama is a smart man, jon. and a notoriously brilliant speaker. you don't seriou
Comedy Central
Nov 13, 2012 11:00pm PST
we're joined by senior military analyst john oliver at the pentagon. (cheers and applause) so now that the scope of the scandal has widened, how is the military going to respond? there's got to be firings! >> skwro *epb, a few symbolic firings is no longer going to do the trick. we have to do something about heterosexuals in the military. (laughter) we've got to get rid of them, jon! they have got to go. >> that is a drastic step. i don't know than that's the answer. it's a drastic step. >> no, absolutely not, jon. they've got to be banned. if we think about it, it was probably a mistake to let them in in the first place. traditional armies were always gay, jon. as demonstrated in this documentary of a spectacular group of ripped gay spartans repelling what was at that point a much bigger even gayer persian army. (laughter). >> jon: many straights have served honorably and have not cheated on their spouses. >> jon, read the bible. these people are incapable of monogamy. it goes all the way back to the garden of eden. it's like the old biblical saying goes: for every woman made fro
FOX News
Nov 11, 2012 3:00pm EST
looking drab. >> paul: house speaker john boehner extends an olive branch, how much will they [ male announcer ] in blind taste tests, even ragu users chose prego. prego?! but i've bought ragu for years. [ thinking ] woer what other questionable choices i've made? i choose date number 2! whooo! [ sigh of relf ] [ male announcer ] choose taste. choose prego. gives you 1% cash back on all purchases, plus a 50% annual bonus. and everyone likes 50% more... [ midwestern/chicago accent ] cheddar! yeah! 50 percent more [yodeling] yodel-ay-ee-oo. 50% more flash. [ southern accent ] 50 percent more taters. that's where tots come from. [ male announcer ] the capital one cash rewards card gives you 1% cash back on every purchase plus a 50% annual bonus on the cash you earn. it's the card for people who like more cash. 50% more spy stuff. what's in your wallet? this car is too small. >> the american welcome have spoken and they've reelected president obama and reelected a majority in the house of representatives. a mandate for us to find a way to work together on the solutions to the challenges
FOX News
Nov 14, 2012 3:00am PST
with this. you got denny's, papa john's, olive garden, white castle with the sliders, west gate resorts, hardee's, longhorn steak house, carl's junior, and red lobster. >> carl junior's ad i like in particular. but if you're running a restaurant operation, you got a choice. you can switch to part-timers and avoid this, or you can pay the fine, for not giving your employees full health care. that's $2,000 per employee, per year, or you can go for very expensive health care coverage, which raises your costs, reduces your profit, or you can push them all out and go onto this exchanges and you don't have the cost. >> steve: the interesting thing, though, the ironic thing is a lot of the people who work at these restaurants are younger people who feel i don't need insurance right now. i'm healthy and young and i don't want the expense. and now -- >> a lot of restaurant workers want the hours. they're living paycheck to paycheck and want the hours. now they won't get them. obamacare hurts the very people it was designed to help. >> steve: stuart varney will be over at "fox business" network e
Nov 1, 2012 3:00am PDT
uptown to john oliver. what are things like up there? >> what al was describing, jon, it's a total hellscape up here. for starters, i don't want to call it a panic. serendipity has run out of mocha sprinkles. which begs the question, jon, where the [ bleep ] is fema when you need them? >> the horror. >> that's pretty funny. >> it's pretty good. did you see this clip? it was shooting around the web yesterday. a little girl, 4-year-old in colorado named abigail evans. >> yeah. >> literally driven to tears. >> uh-oh. >> because she's heard so much about this election. too much about this election. she was listening on the way to the grocery store with her mother to an npr report about the never-ending race for president. here she is when they arrived at the grocery store. >> i'm tired -- i'm tired of barack obama and mitt romney. >> that's why you're crying? oh. it will be over soon, abby. okay? the election will be over soon, okay? >> okay. >> oh. >> she's tired of hearing about barack obama and mitt romney. >> i think she thinks for everybody. abigail for president. >> npr, good-nat
Nov 7, 2012 6:00am EST
, right? because -- control -- >> he needs to do is extend an olive branch to john boehner. pick up the phone today, and say, let's -- >> actually -- >> -- able to smoke the peace pipe with bill clinton he can certainly smoke a peace pipe with obama. >> a couple things. first of all you saw last night the president's speech as well as the speech from speaker john boehner that actually was an olive branch. far different from senate minority leader mcconnell. we talk about this fiscal cliff. the bush tax cuts will expire. now on the one hand folks say oh, my god that's bad because what's going to happen, taxes go up. but also, if those taxes continue, the deficit increases. and so every time we talk about this folks act as if somehow that's not there and the deficit is real. >> let me take a moment to read what john boehner said, the american people want solutions and tonight they responded by renewing our house republican majority. with this vote the american people also made clear there's no mandate for raising tax rates. americans want better solution that will ease the burdens of
FOX News
Nov 10, 2012 11:00am PST
looking drab. >> paul: house speaker john boehner extends an olive branch, how much will they give and how will the white house respond? to take up to four in a day. or take aleve, which can relieve pain all day with just two pills. good eye. which can relieve pain all day with just two pills. customer erin swenson bought so, i'm happy. today. sales go up... i'm happy. it went out today... i'm happy. what if she's not home? (together) she won't be happy. use ups! she can get a text alert, reroute... even reschedule her package. it's ups my choice. are you happy? i'm happy. i'm happy. i'm hi'm happy. i'm happy. i'm happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. (together) happy. i love logistics. has oats that can help lower cholesterol? and it tastes good? sure does! wow. it's the honey, it makes it taste so... well, would you look at the time... what's the rush? be happy. be healthy. >> the american welcome have spoken and they've reelected president obama and reelected a majority in the house of representatives. a mandate for us to find a way to work together on the solutions to the challenges that
FOX News
Nov 10, 2012 8:00pm PST
. >> paul: house speaker john boehner extends an olive branch, how much will they branch, how much will they giveif we want to improve our schools... ... what should we invest in? maybe new buildings? what about updated equipment? they can help, but recent research shows... ... nothing transforms schools like investing in advanced teacher education. let's build a strong foundation. let's invest in our teachers so they can inspire our students. let's solve this. >> the american welcome have spoken and they've reelected president obama and reelected a majority in the house of representatives. a mandate for us to find a way to work together on the solutions to the challenges that we all face as a nation. >> that's house speaker john boehner vowing to work with president obama on the challenges facing the nation the first the fiscal cliff, a toxic combination of tax increases and automatic spending cuts especially in defense that could take effect january 1st. so, we pointed out in the last segment, republicans held the house with minimal losses despite a big democratic year. can boeh
FOX News
Nov 9, 2012 6:00pm PST
of the president, somebody forgot to tell him, the campaign was over. that sounded like a wack at republican, john boehner put out the olive branch this week and barack obama really came back with a baseball club. that's not the way to get this done. i agree with charles, i heard you earlier today on fox business, this is not the time when you have a really weak economy to be raising tax rates on businesses and investors. the big problem with this economy right now, liz, you have businesses that are not hiring, there is a real slowdown in investment. i do think, this is a point that i think the republicans have to make more forcely, if you raise the rates, there is a real danger of a double dip recession in january. he took defense spending out -- >> that's right. >> i mean, this is a very slow economy. but you know, i will say this, the white house, i know this white house 8s are reaching out to the people in banking industry, saying, listen, we are ready to compromise. there is a lot of happy talk behind the scenes. when you talk to the executeuf who is have dealt with president obam athis is on
Nov 8, 2012 6:00am PST
boehner -- house speaker john boehner seems to be offering the first olive branch. >> reporter: they brought some defeat for republicans and they need to keep it inside the house and now he is tolling do -- willing to do a little more deal making with president barack obama. house speaker john boehner suggested for the first time a framework to avoid massive spending cuts and tax increases which kick in, in less than two months if congress does not act. >> they are willing to accept some additional revenues via tax reform. >> they have insisted they are willing to okay some tax increases on wealthier americans to avoid the fiscal cliff, and now the president is having his first presidential briefing at the white house this morning and there is some speculation today he could hold a news conference today. reporting live, allison burns, ktvu channel 2 morning news. >>> sad story, a student oakland has died in a fatal atv crash. he apparently hit a tree near corvallis. he was visiting friends and he went out riding yesterday at 4:00 an. the investigation is continuing as to whethe
Nov 7, 2012 5:30pm PST
. >> reporter: from speaker of the house john boehner, to the newly re-elected president, an olive branch. >> mr. president, the republican majority here in the house stands ready to work with you. >> reporter: they better work together. if they don't strike a deal to cut the deficit in just 55 days, by law, we face the so-called fiscal cliff, taxmaggedon, a mix of tax increases and defense spending cuts that would likely plunge the economy back into recession. and give a big tax hike for virtually every family in america starting january 1st. the president has insisted and campaigned on raising tax rates on the wealthy. house republicans campaigned on no tax increases and they won, too. today, from boehner, a hint at a willingness to compromise. >> we want you to succeed. let's challenge ourselves to find the common ground that has eluded us. let's rise above the dysfunction and do the right thing together for our country. >> reporter: the newly elected congress looks almost exactly like the last one. the same partisan divisions, maybe even a little bit deeper, that led to failure last time. bu
Nov 9, 2012 1:00pm EST
was surprised by how quickly john boehner after the election extended an olive branch to the president. so not out of the question that they could do it but i would not expect that, sue. >> john, we're going to listen to the remarks earlier today of john boehner. this is sort of -- if it were a test question, it would be compare and contrast. let's listen to mr. boehner. >> the problem with raising tax rates on the wealthiest americans is that more than half of them are small business owners. we know from ernst and young it would slow down our economy. >> he's saying the problem with raising tax rates. the minute you start to hear speaker boehner talking about raising taxes and not following it up with that word "rates," that means the deal is maybe getting a little further away. as long as he is talking about the problem being raising tax rates, i think you can see a path to a deal still here. >> john? >> i agree with that. i think that's exactly the point. that's why boehner said "rates," and it is why obama said "revenue." they're feeling their way toward a way to have a conversation, n
Nov 7, 2012 7:00am EST
on our web site host: read extend the olive branch to john boehner and mitch mcconnell ahead of a lame duck. i look to the challenges that we have had that i reach up to my republican colleagues in the senate and the house. let us come together, we know what the issues are, let us solve them he told an audience and the ballroom at the capitol hill hotel. there will have to hash out a deal by the end of the year to avert the vesco cliff of tax hikes and spending cuts. slated to begin in 2013. ron in ohio, good morning. give us your take on last night's election or yesterday's election. caller: good morning, sir. i do have respect for the office. i am not a fan of the obama curator previous caller proves what i am going to say. i think that mr. romney choosing paul ryan made the decision for me. the tea party overstepped their bounds. the overstepped. i couldn't allow that to happen to america. i love my country. it just went too far. for 10 years of president reagan opposed the administration there were still blaming jimmy carter for everything. historically, president obama t
Nov 14, 2012 2:00pm EST
an olive branch on that today. >> john, you know very well that the gop has a hard road to climb because it is a lot easier to sell a couple of percent on rich people than it is to say we're going to rip away some deductions and loopholes to help increase revenue. taxes are complex. that's a much harder political sell. john, we'll talk to you in a bit. thank you. >>> the president is now just minutes away from meeting with business leaders, a meeting that's ruffling feathers on wall street and maybe even some on main street. all right, eamon, who's going to be there? who's not going to be there? >> well, obviously one of the big issues here has been that there's no big bank ceo who is in the room right now. but obviously all of those ceos would have had access inside the white house here to the president's press conference. they were going to be listening for that specific olive branch. some big names in the room there. we saw jeff immelt of ge walking in. also the ceo of american express. ursula burns of xerox. a variety of others were walking down the driveway here on the white house n
Nov 8, 2012 9:00am EST
, the laundry list we have talked about. to the upside, though, we have two olive branches. harry reid and john boen we are the olive branches to each other and maybe seemingly willing to talk and maybe risk to the upside in terms of a bargain being struck. when's the risk? >> i think that's the big uncertainty. the optimist in me love they come together and have a good deal for everybody concerned and we move forward. the pessimist says i heard nothing different yesterday despite the press conferences. and neither side really has a mandate to impose their will on the other. and in fact, i see very little difference as i'm sitting here today versus where we sat on monday and so there's very significant reasons why there could not be a deal. we hope there is but the devil's in the details. what kind of a deal will we strike? the one the markets like and going to be effective for long-term growth is going to be the one with true reform. whether it's regulatory reform, tax reform, reduction in marginal rates and exchange for getting rid of some deductions. i think that's a good plan but did devil'
Nov 8, 2012 7:00am PST
the first olive branch. alison n. >> alley -- alison? >> reporter: house speaker john boehner was able to hold onto the majority in the house. there are some tynes from him that he might be able to and willing to strike some more deals with president obama. speakser boehner suggested for the first time a framework -- speaker boehner sucked for the first time a framework to avoid the massive spending cuts and tax increases that will kick in this less than two months if congress doesn't act. >> because the mesh people expect us to find common ground, we're willing to accept -- and extend the olive branch. >> reporter: president obama is getting his first post election presidential briefing this morning. reporting live from washington, d.c., alison burns, ktvu channel 2 news. >>> 8:16. here's some good news. tuition will be reduced for california state university, now that voters passed prop 30. csu said they were able to avoid a $250 million mid-year budget cut. so it will rescind a $299 per semester fee hike. that will bring grad waits -- rates back to last year's rates. >>> believe it
Nov 9, 2012 6:00am PST
and worsen the r en the recessi >> pete, ana says john boehner is offering these olive branches but -- >> he's not. >> because he's not offering any sort of negotiation over tax hikes on the wealthiest americans. >> and we've entered the theater of the abseurd. the president won, campaigned on raising taxes only for the wealthiest americans specifically and american people overwhelmingly support that in polls and the data shows it wouldn't have any affect on economic growth. congressional research service is nonpartisan wonk office said raising tacks on rich people don't hurt the economy. republicans censored that report. opinion, voting and daty shows this is the right thing to do. it's also what we call a balanced approach. the idea that we're not going to put tax increases on the wealthiest americans and no one is arguing that's going to solve the problem but that's what's called a compromise. it's ridiculous. that's what overwhelmingly american americans support in polls. let's stop calling it a fiscal cliff. that's ben bernanke, the chairman of the fed, who did not see a housing bubble
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 93 (some duplicates have been removed)